Before I do: A Single’s Girl Guide
I do. Two words that many of us wait to hear from a very young age. We’ve fantasised about the ideal wedding day, populated our notebooks with doodles with potential future surnames, and have dedicated Pinterest boards capturing the perfect wedding aesthetic. Every little detail has been well thought out and planned. We even have detailed lists with all the qualities we want in a man, spanning from height to character. However, amid all the planning (whether single or not) we can easily forget the I in the “I do”.
Who is committing and signing up to this covenant? I’m not talking about the person you’re getting married to (or will get married to), I’m talking about you. What version of you will be walking down the aisle? More importantly, what version of you will be making this commitment? Your priority should be answering these questions. That takes preparation.
Now, marriage preparation is something that’s often spoken about in the Christian community; from sermons, books, and series dedicated to the topic. However, if I’m completely candid - I have some reservations about how it’s historically been tackled for those who are single or “waiting”. I will say the conversation has been shifting and broadened to encompass the nuances of modern dating. For a long time, it was geared mostly toward women, depicted as a reward, or as the only gateway to purpose. This is not only inaccurate but unhealthy. Marriage isn’t something earned.
The wedding day is the day that two become one. Not two halves, but ideally two wholes. That means there’s work to do to ensure that you’re whole. In this article, we’ll be going through the four things you need to know before you say I do.
“What version of you will be walking down the aisle? More importantly, what version of you will make this commitment?”
Know Whose You Are
It is crucial to have a sense of identity before getting married and singleness is the perfect time to do that. The only way to know who you are is by knowing whose you are. Why? Because our identity is found in the one who made us and the one who created us… GOD.
Nothing else should be or can be the source of our identity. Every other source is temporal and fleeting. On the other hand, when you allow God to be the definer of your identity you’re rooting yourself in someone eternal, something or someone, that cannot be shaken.
He isn’t just your God but He’s also your Father. Before, you were a mother, sister, and wife… you are the daughter of the Most High. With that comes so much. You don’t have to look for your identity in people and most importantly in your relationship status. Whether people recognise you or not, when you know and believe you are God’s there’s a knowing that you are loved. You don’t have to do anything to earn His love. You don’t have to convince Him that you’re worthy of His love. You cannot lose His love. It’s already guaranteed.
Your identity is wrapped in this statement: I am a daughter of God and I am loved. It’s not good enough to just memorise it but this needs to be etched onto your heart. It is the secret to being satisfied in your singleness, and not getting lost when you’re married. It’s so easy to look for love elsewhere but a daughter knows she’s already loved, cared for, already provided for, already protected, and already valued. Therefore, there’s no need to look for a man to validate you because it’s already done. Instead, when the time is right we’ll be ready to be partners.
The loved part of the statement is crucial. It becomes easier to love yourself when you know you’re already loved. It’s incredibly difficult to love someone in a healthy way when you don’t love yourself. The bible says love your neighbour the way you love yourself. If some of us loved other people the way we loved ourselves, we wouldn’t be very nice people. Love others from a place of overflow because God’s love is in abundance. When you love from a place of deficit, you’ll be loving to be loved back.
The daughter part of the statement deals with orientation. We often hear of women who enter a relationship and when it comes to an end they say: “I lost myself”. This is why the work needs to be done beforehand. The work of discovering your identity in Christ. So that you will always have a compass that directs you back to the one who made you and knows you by name. God knows the real you and loves you the same. This truth helps stops performative behaviour that can easily seep into our relationships. This is why identity needs to be the starting point.
Know Who You Are Modelled After
Perhaps you’ve read the book of Esther, or Ruth, or maybe read Proverbs 31 and decided to model yourself after these incredible women. I certainly have, and this isn’t a bad thing. On the contrary, we need strong female role models and they demonstrate what Godly femininity can look like in practice. However, above all you were created in the image of God, and Genesis 1 tells you that.
“So God created mankind in his own image, in the image of God he created them; male and female he created them.”
You were not an afterthought. Males and females were created at the same time. This is speaking to the spirit of male and female. The physical formation was in Genesis 2. He not only created us with intention, but we were fearfully and wonderfully made. This speaks to the process in which we were made. It wasn’t haphazardly but in His image as it so explicitly states.
The people in Bible were imperfect and thus serve as examples and lessons. Others are demonstrations of how godliness can be uniquely expressed, as God has many facets. This is because God hides His uniqueness and complexities in you. When you walk in your God-given identity you’re demonstrating a facet of God that needs to be revealed to others.
It’s important to not only know that you’re first and foremost created in God’s image but we are modeled after Christ. Before being inspired by any woman in the bible it’s important to know your very first role model is Christ. We see this in Romans 8:29:
“For those God foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the image of his Son, that he might be the firstborn among many brothers and sisters.”
— ROMANS 8:29
When you become Christlike you discover who you truly are and who God intended for you to be. Jesus serves as a representation of what man (all mankind) can be when they have a relationship with God and walk in their identity of being a child. This helps with identity and also, it’s how you become a better wife and person. Jesus was loving, kind, generous, and patient. These are just a few of the qualities I can describe Jesus as. Imagine if we emulated these qualities. We would be amazing wives and partners. We wouldn’t be looking for what people can do for us but, we can do for others. When you’re with someone who values that - it can be truly incredible.
Know your standards and where you’re going
There’s a reason this started with identity first. Without a sense of identity, you don’t know where you’re going or your God-given standards. If you’re the daughter of the king that makes you… a princess. There are certain things a princess cannot do, go, or even say. Your identity dictates your lifestyle and who you can allow to journey with you. It’s not that anyone is beneath you but, are they conducive to the relationship you have with God?
Your standards are the barometer to whether a person is someone you should be with. We all have standards for the person we want to be with some are very high and some are way too low. We have lists upon lists but not necessarily standards. Your requirements of a partner should be based on biblically standards and aligned to who you are. You need to ask yourself this: is the person you’re with honouring your God-given standards or are they directing you to another path? Are they pointing you toward God or away from Him? To be with this person do you have to lower your standards? If the answer to these questions is yes, then something is definitely wrong. If you have found a person that is aligned with biblically standards - this isn’t about height or a beard. This is about whether he demonstrates good leadership, godly love, etc.
Not only do you need to have standards you need to have a sense of direction. Direction has to come after you know your identity or you run the risk of getting your identity confused with your calling. Your calling and purpose are directional. When dating you need to understand whether your calling and assignment matches with the person you’re with. Godly marriage requires us to submit. Are you willing to submit to that person’s calling and mission? If that’s a no then it’s not a match. Adam and Eve were under one mandate - they were told to have dominion. Are your mandates complementary or competing? The Bible says “Can two walk together, except they are agreed?” (Amos 3:3).
This isn’t something you want to discuss or discover once married. You need to work to discover this before walking down the aisle. This will help when you select a mate and are even a reference point when dating. Dating should always be spiritual in that it should be guided by the Holy Spirit, but that doesn’t mean that it’s void of the Holy Spirit. For example, if you know that you’re called to another country by God and the person you’re dating has no intention of ever moving then it’s something to consider.
Another thing to note as well is your understanding of biblical doctrines. Just because someone is saved it doesn’t mean your doctrines align. Now, some may not be deal breakers but a good need to know. It’s important to know these things, especially if you plan to have kids. It’s even more important to understand where you stand on key matters so you know what to ask.
Know your wounds and know to heal
Hurt people, hurt people. A saying most of us heard. It simply explains a phenomenon whereby people who have been hurt tend to be more likely to hurt others. The lack of healing results in triggers that can cause people to lash out, become defensive, and even self-sabotage. The issue is a lot of us are either unaware of our wounds, and the impacts only come out when a button has been pushed. Even the smallest thing can be a trigger to a wound because it takes you back to the place of hurt and disappointment.
Wounds and traumas impact identity and perspective. We tend to see things and people through this lens if we don’t understand where the sources of our hurts. Whilst it’s not impossible to be completely healed, sometimes healing comes when you go through certain things. When you encounter something or someone that contradicts what you think you know. For example, for those who have abandonment issues, God might send you friends that stick with you through thick and thin. However, your job is to accept the healing or you risk repelling the very thing God has sent to help you heal.
The very first step is to be aware of those unhealed wounds. A very simple way of discovering this is by simply asking the Holy Spirit to open your eyes to the things you haven’t dealt with yet and wait on Him for a response. Be confident that He will answer you. Then you ask God to heal you. The work for different people may look different. It usually starts with forgiveness: forgiving yourself and the person who hurt you. This can be hard especially when you feel and know you didn’t deserve what you went through. Know that God knows you didn’t deserve it and He doesn’t want you to suffer any longer, so He will ask you to surrender the hurt and let go. Which can be difficult and again look different to different people. This why during this time you will have to be attentive to the Holy Spirit and to His instruction to work out your healing.
It’s so important to heal before getting into the relationship or you run the risk of bleeding someone and even causing them to pay the price for the transgressions of others. Without healing you’ll be holding them accountable for something someone else did, and it makes it harder to see when the very thing you’ve been praying for is in front of you. This is because you’ll be side-eying it as you look at it with skepticism, just waiting for something to go wrong. It makes it so much harder to enjoy the blessing if you’re constantly assuming it’s going to go wrong.
You can be God-fearing and God-loving, but even an unhealed heart can mess up what God has for you. Take the time to sit with God, and ask Him to reveal and deal with unhealed wounds. It might be painful at the time but He never reveals it to you for you to have to deal with you alone. God is close to the brokenhearted. It’s better to deal with this now rather than later.
Go through these four things and work on them. Be intentional about it. Most importantly realize that singleness isn’t a punishment and it doesn’t make you any less of a woman. The Bible even calls it a blessing because you get to be devoted to God. Each season comes with its challenges. Focus on what you have in front of you.
For many of us within the church marriage has become an idol but, our satisfaction and fulfillment can only come from the one who gave us breath. Focus on getting to know that person. It doesn’t negate the desire to want to be married but, it means you’re not broken because you’re not. So for the girlies believing God for marriage, don’t neglect the I that says I do.